IT IS THE BATS FAULT

We started the World Championships tournament Las Vegas 3-0 with great expectation.  We were hitting the ball well and expected that to continue.  However, in the fourth game things changed.  We weren’t getting on base and immediately started looking at our bats after making an out, wondering what was wrong with the bat.  The bats weren’t awake, they had no pop.  So, we tried to wake them up.

First, we talked to our bats trying to encourage them. You know, “you’re better than this”, “barrel on the ball”, etc. We rubbed them, trying to get them hot.  When that didn’t work, we slammed the bat down, yelled, and threatened it.  “You worthless stick, I get better results from a toothpick!” The umpire warned that he would throw the bat out if we threw it. We didn’t hear him say he would throw us out. Why would he, it’s the bats fault.

The bat reps heard the commotion and saw a great opportunity to sell all their bats.  It became a carnival of bat barkers hanging around the dugout.  The hits still weren’t coming so it got kind of weird.  One guy thought the bat was dead and began mouth to mouth resuscitation on the bat knob.  That’s when our fans moved over to  the opposing team’s stands trying to disconnect from this team of misfits.  The umpire and catcher moved further back from home plate.

One of the players went over to the Directors table, grabbing the AED, he tried to shock his bat with electricity and get the bat re-started.  Another player wanted to remove the bat’s hex by getting a live chicken to cut of its head and smear blood on the bat.  His voodoo doctor had told him that.  We suggested he needs to find a different kind of doctor.  Now the bat reps sold a lot of bats but disappeared after the sale, for fear of player revenge.  The directors went through the SSUSA rule book but couldn’t find a reason to throw these guys out of the game.

They lost their last two games.  The tournament was over, all because of those dam bats!